I think India and Indians are not so open about psychiatric treatment. Why I do I think so? Because I am one of them. It took me years to find that I am suffering from some kind of mental disease. I have put this out of attention for so long. But some serious introspection took me into research. I can see all those symptoms but I am still skeptical about the treatment.
The Bi-polar disorder, as it is called is an interesting thing. At least for me. It gives you a swing in your mood. From pure bliss to feeling yuck in matter of seconds. One moment you think, you are so blessed to be there at that time and the next minute you feel “Why the @#*& am I here?” Whats more interesting is when you have people around you.
I was talking to my sister on phone few days ago. My brother was besides me reading a good book. (He is a good reader). My sister talked about some movie and I was hooked to the story line and about one song in the movie. I persuaded my reluctant brother for at least 15 minutes to start for the movie with me.. I dressed up and went to the mirror for some deo. It was just 10 seconds walk and while reaching the deo I have decided not to go to movie. Needless to say, my well dressed brother almost killed me when he saw me taking his book in my casual :).
He didn’t believe me when I said, I changed my mind in ten seconds. Hard to blame him.. Even I can’t believe it after five minutes. It’s a very different story, when I am with a group of people. I was terribly depressed with something that had happened to me and was sitting silently. A friend came along and started talking to me. I was letting everything out of my heart soon to him who listened well. (Most people don’t do that I say). After a couple of minutes he was scared to see me making fun of other office colleagues. He thought I had gone nuts. But I know.. Its been so long.
So what were the symptoms I had? Long depression period. I got all time high visits in my blog. Got good comments in it too. My photographs in flickr were favorite for many people. Lot of people commented on my facebook status. I got a real good appraisal and when I walk back home that day, I don’t understand why tears start rolling in my cheeks. No! It’s not “Khushi ka Aansoo”. I felt terribly bad. I made up my mind saying this is a phase.. It will go away. But it stayed.. It stayed for long three years.
I was the one of the best trainers in my company. On a fine day, I don’t know why, not even now, I gave up that position and became a business development executive. One thing people liked me was because the way I speak. Before three years, when I started to identify these things, I can see that my thoughts were racing at one particular point in time. When others were thinking about the first step in business plan, I had already finished the presentation. Before even the customer spelt out what he needed, I was able to give what he wanted. I took it as a compliment then. But I also noticed the way I speak became more pressurized. Almost nasal. Sometimes like biting my teeth. It was no longer pleasant. In my maniac moments, my natural voice just doesn’t come out.
This maniac moments, scared me more than my depression phases. I went along nicely without a wink in eyes for 21 days. There was no hunger. I literally lived on coffee. I wanted to do something. But don’t know what. Dear Reader, now you could be thinking “This guy has some good moments and bad moments and sometime a mixture of both. Whats wrong with it anyway?” I tell you, it’s not as easy as you think.
What happens is I need to keep on doing something. And the thing is I am not interested in something I was dying for a moment ago. I need to find something new. And when I find something new, I ditch the past activities forever. I have deleted 4 of my blogs till date, three flickr accounts, my orkut address and twitter id. Facebook is surviving somehow. On any fine day, I may call it quits.
There is this comfort in virtual world, you can commit suicides how much ever times you want without really dying, but with the same effect. You can see from distant that your contacts are first searching for you, then mourn for you or getting angry with you for not saying good-bye and then move on. You don’t really need to break the glasses, when they are so costly these days.
So if you think I need to go to a doctor, I am sorry. I changed my mind few seconds ago. Jack Daniels would do for now.
P.S. Photo Courtesy : I am in that picture. I took that photo. I processed it. So all credits to me YAY!!!